"Bad Dreams" by Robert Browning

"Last night I saw you in my sleep: And how your charm of face was changed! I asked, “Some love, some faith you keep?” You answered, “Faith gone, love estranged.” Whereat I woke, a twofold bliss: Waking was one, but next there came This other: “Though I felt, for this, My heart break, I loved on the same.”"

Something strange happened to me about a week ago. I had a dream about Mike, the friend I wrote about in the last post. This poem describes the gist of it exactly but I had never before seen this poem until the very morning after I had the dream. I was looking through one of my books by Browning and this poem I had never noticed before just opened right up to the page this was on. I know it had to be coincidence but it felt so strange and left me feeling haunted afterward. So now I'm putting it "out there" which somehow makes it better.

Till the End ~Emily Dickinson

This picture was found using Google image search
on the website Flickr and was taken by the username
s. alt.

I should not dare to leave my friend,
Because-- because if he should die
While I was gone, and I-- too late--
Should reach the heart that wanted me;

If I should disappoint the eyes
That hunted, hunted so, to see,
And could not bear to shut until
They "noticed" me-- they noticed me;

If I should stab the patient faith
So sure I'd come-- so sure I'd come,
It listening, listening, went to sleep
Telling my tardy name,--

My heart would wish it broke before,
Since breaking then, since breaking then,
Were useless as next morning's sun,
Where midnight frosts had lain!

Emily Dickinson has always been my favorite poet and I recently found this piece. I am posting it because it has significant meaning to me right now and what I am going through. Just this past week a very good friend of mine committed suicide. I had tried to help him for months and thought we were making progress since he had agreed to go to counseling and then it all happened so suddenly. The shock and pain of loss I have felt ever since hasn't faded yet. One of the hardest things for me was the fact that he always came to me when he was down and I would talk him through it. The night it all happened he texted me but I wasn't on campus. By the time I got back, I was too late. I think this will always haunt me. This particular poem I had never noticed by E.D. before really struck me considering the similar aspects of my situation. This post is mostly for myself but maybe someone else can get something from it as well.

Once Again

I wrote this while on the road today. I reached Vancouver tonight and decided to update my blog. This has been on my mind a lot recently so I decided to put it down on paper. So here it is. 


Once again, I find myself here
Drunk on the lies you poured into me.
So full of that bitter cup
The taste like bile on my tongue
Which I refuse to spit out
--I couldn't if I tried.
So full, I cannot lift my head.
And echoes from my past mock me
"As a dog returneth to his vomit"
And here I am
Returning to the memory of you.
Spewing out your lies
Back onto myself
And I am a mess.
But the damage is done
Your words have poisoned me
Over and over and over
And with repetition comes belief.

-J. Tabithia

An Update, Finally...

The elusive game--
Play of light,
Shimmering veneer.

The feigned cunning--
Sleight of hand,
Child-hands grasping.

The exciting chase--
Hint of shadow,
Slippery escape.

The resigned defeat--
Shock of loss,
Cold retreat.

Well, it's been a while since my last post. But here it is. I wrote this poem this very night. Usually I'm not one to "explain" my poetry, but I had a very specific picture in my mind when I wrote this to which I believe a lot of people will be able to relate.  

I remember a time when, as a child, my family and I visited a park with a shallow pond of water. Just beneath the surface I saw tadpoles darting around and wanted to catch one so bad. I spent what seemed hours sloshing around in the water trying to catch one and did not even realize the amount of time I wasted doing so until my parents called me out so we could leave. I remember my disappointment that I had not only failed to catch one but also spent all of my time chasing after the silly things and didn't really notice anything else about the park around me! So tonight I had been thinking about the things that are important in my life right now. Some of which are things I want and know I can't have but have stubbornly continued to chase after anyways. It made me think of the innocent carelessness of my childhood and how things had seemed to become so much more complex than they used to be. The similarity of my actions in that seemingly nonchalant moment in my childhood and my situation now made me laugh. Hopefully it will do the same for you.

So I'm sure you can fill in the blanks with your own experiences- whatever they be. Sometimes, you gotta let the tadpoles be and enjoy what you already have.

"To Say Farewell"

My heart has rooms that sigh with dust
And ashes in the the hearth.
They must be cleaned and blown away
By daylight's breath.
But I cannot essay the task,
For even dust to me is dear;
For dust and ashes still recall,
My love was here.

I know not how to say Farewell,
When Farewell is the word
That stays alone for me to say
Or will be heard.
But I cannot speak out that word
Or ever let my loved one go:
How can I bear it that these rooms
Are empty so?

                               I sit among the dust and hope

                              That dust will cover me.

                              I stir the ashes in the hearth,

                              Though cold they be.

                              I cannot bear to close the door,

                              To seal my loneliness away

                              While dust and ashes yet remain

                              Of my love's day.

"To Say Farewell" is a selection from a book in a series I love called The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant by Stephen R. Donaldson. He is an amazing author and I recommend the series, although I know not everyone enjoys his style. This is a beautiful interpretation of love and the loss of love that we experience as we go through life. 

This picture I took on a vacation in Bannor Elk, North Carolina. This particular location was a trail with an amazing lookout called Beacon Heights.

Once again, feel free to post your thoughts...

More Poetry...

These are my most recent pieces. They are much shorter and I have enjoyed discovering the technique of saying everything I need in only a few lines. The second of the two I wrote just yesterday while sitting on my front porch enjoying the warmth of the sun and the perfume of hyacinths in our front garden. I truly hope my readers can take something from these pieces.
This picture is another one I took. It is a rose that has only partially opened and has not yet had the chance to fully bloom. Once again, I felt this picture reflected some elements within these poems.


------------------

I'd say I lost you,
But I never had you
--Instead I lost myself.

---------------------

As a child you were told
Of the piece of silver worth a hundred gold;
More the pain of losing you
Than the thousand souls I never knew.

Poem from September of 2009

      

This is one of mine. I wrote it last year while going through a lot of difficult things. This is the longest piece I've written. Feel free to comment your thoughts and opinions. I am sure I'm not the only one to feel something like this.

FYI: This orchid is a picture I took while vacationing in the mountains of Bannor Elk, North Carolina. The orchid, much like the rose, is considered a symbol of love. The darker, mysterial colors seemed to fit this particular work.

Two daggers to my soul!

Thrust so carelessly without thought

Or count for cost.

Laughingly tossed aside

If only to tease and return again.

Ah! how the light plays on those twin blades

As they feint and dance.

Seeking, finding

Mine own checked and safely kept askance.

Eden! what light is this

That captivates my every thought

Without room for breath.

Forbidden fruit? Hardly so sweet

As one might think.

Eat, and succumb to soul's certain death.

For where such warmth might lead

I feel a certain dread;

For every dream I fabricate

I pull a darkened thread.

The fabric of my dreams undone

Surrenders at the seams.

And hands of lead weave quietly

Weeping for what no one sees.

Threads wanting of even loss

Withdrawn to shape my veil.

Shelter found, dark and cold

Hiding that which I cannot hold.

You there, and I here

Walking along the line

Separating us from

Everything that we must never find.

The shadows cast--

Is all we have

Yet priceless treasure still.

This dubious cup I drink deep--

Forced to find my fill.

Yet if that light were poison to me

Then darkness must be my shield.

And so the hated veil once loathed

Proves sole weapon left to wield.

I dare not forsake my armour

Lets sudden light leave me blinded

-- And stumbling,

I find myself a fool.