Dream (B)log

I decided today to keep track of my dreams. Dreams have always fascinated me. Sometimes because they are so completely random and strange. And other sometimes because they are so relevant and full of symbolism. So I thought "maybe I should start a Dream Blog or something so other people can share in my randomness", and that's when it hit me: I ALREADY had a blog I almost never write in entitled "The Color of Her Dreams". How perfect is that!? lol In all seriousness, I will be posting the dreams I have for my own amusement ad hopefully the amusement of whoever happens to wander to my blog. So my most recent dream happened a couple nights ago...

This dream was actually a nightmare, complete with two elements that are pretty common in my nightmares: 1) pursuit and 2) an evil presence. Despite the fact this is a nightmare, it actually has a good ending, which surprised me.

It starts out in a setting that many of these nightmares have started throughout the years since I was a child as far back as I can remember: the kitchen of my old house I grew up in Ohio. I have no bad memories or experiences tied to that room so it really puzzles me that so many evil dreams start there. The other thing is I am almost always with my sister (perhaps because so much of my growing up life in that house was spent with her).

So, my sister and I are standing in the kitchen and I look out the bay windows that overlook our driveway. And out in the driveway is a big delivery-style truck. I can easily see into the driver's seat area and note there is no one there. Yet the wheel is spinning, first one way and then the next, back and forth. And instantly I knew it was an evil presence and that it was spinning the wheel for me to see (as the presence itself was invisible) in order to let me know it was there. It was as though it was sending me a challenge: "I'm here and I'm coming for you".

I freeze what I am doing, turn to my sister and said something to the effect of explaining the situation and telling her to get out of here. After which (as with most of these dreams), she promptly disappears from the dream altogether, leaving me by myself.

For some time, I couldn't tell you how long, I was chased around the house by the evil presence, feeling absolute terror the entire time. Finally, I realized I had no choice but to exit the house in the hopes of getting away. But the problem being, I knew the presence was not so much chasing me as it was trapping me. But even knowing this, I could feel it drawing closer. It had trapped me on the upstairs level, blocking my path downstairs to either of the ground level exits.

In desperation, I ran into my old bedroom on the third floor and threw open my window. Due to the design of the house, there was a section of roofing that extended out beneath my window so I could easily step out onto the slanted roof and prepare to jump off (or drop off rather).

But even though the drop was not too high and I knew I probably would not die from the drop, I also knew that I really didn't want to jump. My fear of jumping over the edge was almost equal to the fear of the presence that I now sensed had entered past the threshold of my room's entrance and was continuing to slowly advance towards me.

Instinctively, I knew that it did not actually want to "catch" me so much as it wanted to force me to jump off the edge. And still I knew if I did nothing or made no move, allowing it to reach me, something terrible would happen.

And then something in me changed and for the first time in my dream, I turned around to face my un-seeable pursuer. Even though I still couldn't see it I knew I was staring right into it. And it was at that moment that I also sensed it come to an abrupt stop. The heavy feeling of evil was still there and malevolently directed at me, but on a whim I spoke to it. I didn't even expect it myself, but the words came out: "I love God, and no matter what happens, He will be my judge in the end, NOT you."

I felt the air change and a new violence emanated from the presence: anger. And yet it was in that moment that I realized: I didn't have to jump.

And I felt fearless.

The Last Warm Day

Something like a pause,

Realization that it had passed--

The last warm day.

Nothing particular brought it to mind.

The gray was always there

A coolness in the wind, now for some days.

And somehow overlooked

Lost in school or work or play

My heart drops as I can't remember

That last warm day.

But even sooner than this,

While the sun still shone for you

And the stars still burned for you, it came--

Your last warm day.

We always knew the Fall was coming

We even count the days.

Yet all the knowledge of our years never stopped the cold.

"Are you ok?", just nod and smile.

But we know Winter is setting in

And it will be this way for a while.

-J. Tabithia

I wrote this back in October when I was going through a lot. Came across it again today and thought I would post it on my blog. 

"Bad Dreams" by Robert Browning

"Last night I saw you in my sleep: And how your charm of face was changed! I asked, “Some love, some faith you keep?” You answered, “Faith gone, love estranged.” Whereat I woke, a twofold bliss: Waking was one, but next there came This other: “Though I felt, for this, My heart break, I loved on the same.”"

Something strange happened to me about a week ago. I had a dream about Mike, the friend I wrote about in the last post. This poem describes the gist of it exactly but I had never before seen this poem until the very morning after I had the dream. I was looking through one of my books by Browning and this poem I had never noticed before just opened right up to the page this was on. I know it had to be coincidence but it felt so strange and left me feeling haunted afterward. So now I'm putting it "out there" which somehow makes it better.

Till the End ~Emily Dickinson

This picture was found using Google image search
on the website Flickr and was taken by the username
s. alt.

I should not dare to leave my friend,
Because-- because if he should die
While I was gone, and I-- too late--
Should reach the heart that wanted me;

If I should disappoint the eyes
That hunted, hunted so, to see,
And could not bear to shut until
They "noticed" me-- they noticed me;

If I should stab the patient faith
So sure I'd come-- so sure I'd come,
It listening, listening, went to sleep
Telling my tardy name,--

My heart would wish it broke before,
Since breaking then, since breaking then,
Were useless as next morning's sun,
Where midnight frosts had lain!

Emily Dickinson has always been my favorite poet and I recently found this piece. I am posting it because it has significant meaning to me right now and what I am going through. Just this past week a very good friend of mine committed suicide. I had tried to help him for months and thought we were making progress since he had agreed to go to counseling and then it all happened so suddenly. The shock and pain of loss I have felt ever since hasn't faded yet. One of the hardest things for me was the fact that he always came to me when he was down and I would talk him through it. The night it all happened he texted me but I wasn't on campus. By the time I got back, I was too late. I think this will always haunt me. This particular poem I had never noticed by E.D. before really struck me considering the similar aspects of my situation. This post is mostly for myself but maybe someone else can get something from it as well.

Once Again

I wrote this while on the road today. I reached Vancouver tonight and decided to update my blog. This has been on my mind a lot recently so I decided to put it down on paper. So here it is. 


Once again, I find myself here
Drunk on the lies you poured into me.
So full of that bitter cup
The taste like bile on my tongue
Which I refuse to spit out
--I couldn't if I tried.
So full, I cannot lift my head.
And echoes from my past mock me
"As a dog returneth to his vomit"
And here I am
Returning to the memory of you.
Spewing out your lies
Back onto myself
And I am a mess.
But the damage is done
Your words have poisoned me
Over and over and over
And with repetition comes belief.

-J. Tabithia

An Update, Finally...

The elusive game--
Play of light,
Shimmering veneer.

The feigned cunning--
Sleight of hand,
Child-hands grasping.

The exciting chase--
Hint of shadow,
Slippery escape.

The resigned defeat--
Shock of loss,
Cold retreat.

Well, it's been a while since my last post. But here it is. I wrote this poem this very night. Usually I'm not one to "explain" my poetry, but I had a very specific picture in my mind when I wrote this to which I believe a lot of people will be able to relate.  

I remember a time when, as a child, my family and I visited a park with a shallow pond of water. Just beneath the surface I saw tadpoles darting around and wanted to catch one so bad. I spent what seemed hours sloshing around in the water trying to catch one and did not even realize the amount of time I wasted doing so until my parents called me out so we could leave. I remember my disappointment that I had not only failed to catch one but also spent all of my time chasing after the silly things and didn't really notice anything else about the park around me! So tonight I had been thinking about the things that are important in my life right now. Some of which are things I want and know I can't have but have stubbornly continued to chase after anyways. It made me think of the innocent carelessness of my childhood and how things had seemed to become so much more complex than they used to be. The similarity of my actions in that seemingly nonchalant moment in my childhood and my situation now made me laugh. Hopefully it will do the same for you.

So I'm sure you can fill in the blanks with your own experiences- whatever they be. Sometimes, you gotta let the tadpoles be and enjoy what you already have.

"To Say Farewell"

My heart has rooms that sigh with dust
And ashes in the the hearth.
They must be cleaned and blown away
By daylight's breath.
But I cannot essay the task,
For even dust to me is dear;
For dust and ashes still recall,
My love was here.

I know not how to say Farewell,
When Farewell is the word
That stays alone for me to say
Or will be heard.
But I cannot speak out that word
Or ever let my loved one go:
How can I bear it that these rooms
Are empty so?

                               I sit among the dust and hope

                              That dust will cover me.

                              I stir the ashes in the hearth,

                              Though cold they be.

                              I cannot bear to close the door,

                              To seal my loneliness away

                              While dust and ashes yet remain

                              Of my love's day.

"To Say Farewell" is a selection from a book in a series I love called The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant by Stephen R. Donaldson. He is an amazing author and I recommend the series, although I know not everyone enjoys his style. This is a beautiful interpretation of love and the loss of love that we experience as we go through life. 

This picture I took on a vacation in Bannor Elk, North Carolina. This particular location was a trail with an amazing lookout called Beacon Heights.

Once again, feel free to post your thoughts...